What is it about forgiveness that makes some people think that if they forgive a wrong, that it is a form of weakness or that justice will not be served? Why do individuals hold onto pain like it will help their healing? I remember reading a quote that read that holding grudges is like ingesting poison hoping the other person would die. I have to admit that I have felt this pain...that gut wrenching pain that makes you physically ill at the memory. I had never felt such a dark feeling towards another and I knew that holding onto it was hurting me more than learning how to forgive the individual and allow for healing. I mulled over the situation over and over again coming to different conclusions and theories. I'd hear myself talking about it and the fact that I just couldn't get over it made me sick. I decided I had to stop, I had to consciously make the decision to forgive someone who I knew would never apologize for what they did...time alone wasn't going to lead to forgiveness.
"I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men..." (D&C 64:10)"Many people act as thought this scripture reads in the reverse. They want to pick and choose whom they will forgive, based on their own standard or forgiveability. And their ultimate criterion seems to be that the sinner must suffer more than those who have suffered at the hands of the sinner." (Wendy Nelson). As expressed in the aforementioned scripture, we are required to forgive ALL...not some, ALL. We cannot pretend that forgiveness is only for those who are deserving of our forgiveness. Further, how can we expect to use the mercy of forgiveness when it comes to our mistakes but not those of others?
"...for he that forgiveth not his brother his trespasses standeth condemned before the Lord; for there remaineth in him the greater sin." (D&C 64:9)Let me help you further understand the devastating effects of withholding forgiveness. Carla was a good work friend. Right off the bat we found much in common and enjoyed working together. I had heard Carla could be difficult to work with but I didn't see it. To me she was kind, intelligent, and always willing to help me learn the ropes. I considered her a mentor. On one occasion the subject of relationships came up and I found out she had never married, never had kids, and seldom had close friends. I thought it was normal for there to be people that this opportunity just didn't present itself to. The more I got to know her, I realized she had no issues cutting ties with people who disappointed her. She confessed that once she lost her good opinion of another, it could not be recovered. I realized this pattern of choice for her had left her alone. What people she got along with were on a more superficial level. How lonely would that be to be always so guarded and so unforgiving? Her unwillingness to forgive the mistakes and weaknesses of others had deprived her of some of the most enriching of relationships she could ever have.
I just finished reading the book The Light Between Oceans. It was such a great story about love, pride, and forgiveness. In the book, the character Hannah's suffering had been prolonged by the good intentions of the main characters, Tom and Isabel. She came to a point where exhausted from her pain she recalls her late husband explaining to her why he found it so easy to forgive others. To her question he responded by saying that forgiving requires one act whereas not forgiving would require daily work to remain bitter. I know for a fact that there are wrongs that we alone cannot find the strength to forgive. We can take courage in knowing that we are not alone in overcoming our weaknesses, and find peace again.
"I am convinced that most of us want to forgive, but we find it very hard to do. When we have experienced an injustice, we may be quick to say, “That person did wrong. They deserve punishment. Where is the justice?” We mistakenly think that if we forgive, somehow justice will not be served and punishments will be avoided. This simply is not the case. God will mete out a punishment that is fair, for mercy cannot rob justice (see Alma 42:25)." (Kevin R. Duncan, 2016. The Healing Ointment of Forgiveness)
“Leave judgment alone with me, for it is mine and I will repay. [But let] peace be with you” (D&C 82:23).The exercise of forgiveness is especially important within our own families. They see the ugliest side of us at times and love us unconditionally. This of course can lead us to taking the act of asking and extending forgiveness for granted assuming that it goes without saying. In my experience we cannot assume that all is forgiven just because we are family. The happiest moments and at the times the lowest moments have been experienced within the bonds of family. I love what Elder F. Burton Howard said, "If you want something to last forever, you treat it differently. You shield it and protect it. You never abuse it. You don't expose it to the elements. You don't make it common or ordinary. If it ever becomes tarnished, you lovingly polish it until it gleams like new. It becomes special because you have made it so, and it grows more beautiful and precious as time goes by."
Don't hesitate to admit your wrongs and forgive another's. I can honestly say that relationships, whether friend or familial, are strengthened through the exercise of repentance and forgiveness. Forgiveness is an act of courage, courage comes from faith in Christ. Seek out our Savior and you will find strength in him to overcome every sorrow, heartbreak, and disappointment you are now facing or will ever face. As your exercise sincere forgiveness, you'll find that not only will your love increase for those around you and theirs for you, but also you will feel God's love for you.
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