Embracing Me

Do you ever feel like you take who you are for granted? I have. There are parts of me that I didn't fully embrace until recently. Particularly that of being a woman and a mother. I used to be very career minded. Those who know me now probably would not have guessed it. I didn't appreciate my role as a mother completely until I was kind of forced into it. Forced meaning it was unexpected. If you have ever done something unwillingly, you probably do it without your heart being in the right place. Well, being a full-time mother was definitely one of those things that I had to work hard at daily because I struggled with feeling like just a mom. It is no surprise to any mother out there, being a mother is a thankless job. You work very long sometimes arduous hours only to repeat the cycle again the next day. It was in my struggle that I hit a breaking point where I realized something had to change. I loved my children, always have, but I needed to fill my sacred duty as a mother with all my heart. I was saddened feeling that bearing only the title of mother made me less accomplished. The change of heart began with accepting I wasn't living up to the full measure of my role because I didn't have relationships with my kids. There was no real friendship or open communication between us, and that was scary to me. This was not what I wanted my children to remember of me.

I am not one to take baby-steps when undertaking something new. I decided to homeschool my kids. Crazy you may say, but it proved to be the best thing our family has ever done. We struggled at first, but we learned to be patient through the process of figuring out everything together. That year taught me the value of children on a level that I don't believe many parents comprehend. Parenting and teaching was not a part-time responsibility. I did not allow myself the freedom of sending my kids to a public institution for a large part of the day only to be involved with them for the evenings and weekends, and the occasional holiday. I was all in. Now, I don't want to come across as judgmental for parents who send kids to school. I share this because this is how I learned to value my role as a mother.

In The Family: A Proclamation to the World, we read:

"Husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for eachother and their children. 'Children are an heritage of the Lord' (Psalm 127:3) Parents have the sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs, and to teach them to love and serve one another, observe the commandments of God, and be law-abiding citizens wherever they live. Husbands and wives--mother and fathers--will be held accountable before God for the discharge of these obligations...By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children."

Being a mother is a sacred duty and it is divinely designed. Sacred means connected with God, as defined in the dictionary. Similar words used alternatively to sacred are holy, hallowed, blessed. How can such a role be anything but supreme and glorious? Yes, we can aspire to be doctors, engineers, CEOs, and many other titles that come with the applause of the world, but mother is first and foremost our sacred and divine role to any other pursuit.

The other morning, my children came downstairs one by one. My son smiled as I greeted him and said good morning. He told me that he knew it was me because he heard music and knew I was preparing breakfast. My eldest daughter said something similar after making her way down. Children definitely know the value of a mother. She is that sweet scent in the air, that warm smile, that comforting touch, that gentle song. She fills the home with a light that can only come from her connection with God.

Weaknesses Turned Strengths

This morning I had a conversation with one of my sisters which proved to be a humbling and learning experience. My writing may not be seen by the masses, but writing was never about popularity for me. It is meant to inspire others (even if few) to acknowledge there is hope in everything and worth in everyone. I'd like to admit that there is nothing selfish about what I have set out to do here, but the truth is that my writing helps me too. I have never considered speaking a strength. Writing is more my strength and it makes it even better when I know it has touched lives, but how often do we focus only on our strengths and forget that we have weaknesses that need improvement? What is it about growing pains that we avoid thinking it is for the better? I had someone once tell me that they didn't pray for patience because it usually meant being stretched outside their limits. Yes, growing physically, emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually is never a thing of comfort, but the lessons learned from them can be a comfort if taken with the right perspective. If I had only one regret, it would be not attempting to do something or giving up on something only because I'm not good at it.

One of my favorite talks by President Dieter Uchtdorf is titled Forget Me Not. He shares:

"I want to tell you something that I hope you will take in the right way: God is fully aware that you and I are not perfect.

Let me add: God is also fully aware that the people you think are perfect are not.

And yet we spend so much time and energy comparing ourselves to others—usually comparing our weaknesses to their strengths. This drives us to create expectations for ourselves that are impossible to meet. As a result, we never celebrate our good efforts because they seem to be less than what someone else does.

Everyone has strengths and weaknesses.

It’s wonderful that you have strengths.

And it is part of your mortal experience that you do have weaknesses.

God wants to help us to eventually turn all of our weaknesses into strengths, but He knows that this is a long-term goal. He wants us to become perfect, and if we stay on the path of discipleship, one day we will...Please remember to be compassionate and patient with yourself."

"Be compassionate and patient with yourself." He doesn't say quit when you have figured out it is not your strength. Good things take work, some more than others, and that is okay. So whether your weakness is not being in great shape, not good with speaking, not good at math, not good at showing affection, or not good at cooking, all these things can be improved with work and dedication. We have the promise that we do not go alone in our journey of improvement, our Lord has declared, "...my grace is sufficient for all...that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them” (Ether 12:27).

A great example comes from the life of President Heber J. Grant. President Grant was teased in school for his poor penmanship, which was labeled as sloppy. He dedicated spare time to improving his penmanship, year after year. He was determined to make his weakness a strength. President Grant later became known as "the greatest scribbler on earth." He went on to become a teacher of penmanship and bookkeeping at the University of Utah.

Victories are sweeter when we can look back and see how far we have come. May you keep trying and keep believing; remembering to be patient with your efforts and small steps you make towards making your weaknesses strengths.

Finding Center

Like most mornings, I'm up around 6:30 am...around the time I kiss Kevin goodbye as he rushes off to work.  Sometimes I lie in bed and finish waking up, check emails, social media, and as of late I have begun studying the scriptures. Sometimes my mornings are filled with a can-do attitude, others I struggle a little to get out of bed and find the motivation to tackle the day. This morning rather than staying in bed a little longer, I decided to get a head-start on straightening up the house before the morning alarm went off for the kids. I threw a load of laundry in the washer and made my way downstairs. As I passed the living room, I drew open the blinds and for a moment stared at the rising sun. Sunrises have always been a source of comfort for me. I picked up items the kids left behind the previous night, socks, electronics, toys. I moved onto the kitchen and turned on some soft music...always helps when cleaning. A familiar song was playing while I loaded dishes into the dishwasher:

When I am down and oh my soul so weary,
When troubles come and my heart burdened be.
Then I am still and wait here in the silence,
Until you come and sit a while with me.
You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains,
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas.
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders,
You raise me up, to more than I can be.

Like all, I have been in those moments where relief feels no where in sight. At that moment, where do you draw strength from to get you through those moments? I believe we all benefit from having a source of strength we can turn to in turbulent times. It is what keeps us centered and sane. I have found that I can turn to God for peace no matter how bad things may seem. It is because of Him that I can refocus and notice the good and merciful blessings in my life. Without that knowledge, I would be lost in the fog of daily life indefinitely.

I read once a book by Stephen Covey that said that to achieve a life of balance, you have to begin with the end in mind, "If you don't make a conscious effort to visualize who you are and what you want in life, then you empower other people and circumstances to shape you and your life by default." Do you have such an understanding of who you are and what you want in life? What direction are you heading? Are you only living in the moment? There is much more to life than what we have in front of us at this moment. Maybe you are opposed to God because you feel you'll lose your sense of self by believing, but I have found the complete opposite is true. In God I have found my purpose, my direction, and it gives me something better to look forward to than the pain, heartache, illness, disappointment, fear, that comes with a mortal existence. My faith in God means I believe that some day wrongs will be made right, and sorrows will be turned into joy. That because of Him I can hold on even when it doesn't make sense to. Because of Him I can see a sunrise as more than what it is...a reminder of my Father in Heaven. His love. His mercy.

"Therefore, fear not, little flock; do good; let earth and hell combine against you, for if ye are built upon my rock, they cannot prevail." -D&C 6:34

Self-Worth

This morning started out like a typical Monday where we all struggle a little to get out of bed and get back into the routine. Sometimes I wish that weekends lingered a little longer because I absolutely love the freedom from everyday life and indulging in family time a little more. My youngest daughter came to me for help during reading time and asked me to read her The Velveteen Rabbit. I recalled picking up this copy from a secondhand store a long time ago, but the kids had not gotten around to reading it. For whatever reason, my daughter decided to choose from among the many books that sit on her bookshelf today. I don't believe it was a coincidence because I gained another understanding of self-worth this morning.

For those of you who have not read this story, it is a story of a stuffed velvet rabbit who longs to become "Real". The rabbit spends a lot of time in the nursery and feels inferior to the newer and more fun toys that are played with in the nursery. He feels very lonely and the only kind resident of the nursery is an old toy skin horse. The skin horse is described as the oldest toy in the nursery. So old "that his brown coat was bald in patches and showed the seams underneath", and most of the hairs in his tail were missing. "He was wise, for he had seen a long succession of mechanical toys arrive to boast and swagger, and by-and-by break their mainsprings and pass away, and he knew that they were only toys, and would never turn into anything else...'What is REAL?' asked the rabbit one day...'Real isn't how you are made,' said the skin horse...'It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real...It doesn't happen all at once...You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

We are far more than our bodies. Our self-worth isn't dependent on how we look...it goes beyond that. Stephanie Nielsen is living proof that there is beauty beyond what we see. She and her husband survived a plane crash, but sustained significant burns to their bodies. Her more than him. She struggled a lot with her situation at first, but from her trial was born an even more beautiful person with purpose and spiritual light. She is Real. I hope you too will focus more on the things that make you Real.

Hope

Let's talk about mental health for a moment. We have probably all been there, hanging by a thread and at our wit's end. Stress can be good for us, although it doesn't feel great. What happens when your body is on constant alert? It can take a toll on your health, mentally and physically. I experienced this around the age of 16. Doctor's couldn't explain my condition. I had a hard time sleeping, eating, focusing. I was constantly fearful, anxious, and lost a lot of weight as a result. I literally was wasting away. It was frustrating and scary. My family behaved around me like I was one panic attack from death. I could have allowed myself to slip into a state of darkness that only comes from the complete loss of hope. I felt no one understood but me what it felt like to be trapped in this situation I found myself in. This went on for two years.

Like a candle's light that flickers in the wind, I held onto the small flame of hope that resided in me. I recall being seven and singing in elementary school..."this little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine...let it shine, let it shine, let it shine!" One of my favorite general authorities, President Dieter F. Uchtdorf taught, "Spiritual light rarely comes to those who merely sit in darkness waiting for someone to flip a switch. It takes an act of faith to open our eyes to the Light of Christ..." A clarity came to me and I felt an overwhelming sense of humility when I remembered my Savior's sacrifice for me. I realized in Him I had the power to dispel the darkness that loomed around me.

Eventually, I withdrew from public school while I recovered. Doctors diagnosed me with depression and prescribed a low dose antidepressant, and I began counseling. It was a daily struggle, but I refused to give up. I found comfort in the gospel of Jesus Christ, and the love of my family and friends. I was able to find the strength to take myself off the medication and was able to feel peace. There is no sweeter feeling than when the storm has passed and you see that sunlight shinning through the dark clouds. You feel alive again!

I promise you that no matter how dark the day ahead may feel to you, you can find peace again. Keep that prayer in your heart and don't lose hope.

" A rewarding, abundant, and eternal life is the very object of His merciful plan for His children! It is a plan predicated on the truth 'that all things work together for good to them that love God.' So keep loving. Keep trying. Keep trusting. Keep believing. Keep growing. Heaven is cheering you on today, tomorrow, and forever." -Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, 2016, Tomorrow the Lord Will Do Wonders among You

My Story: Elena

My path to self discovery has been marked by many experiences that helped shape the woman before you today. At an early age I gravitated to the things of God and I wanted to sincerely know the purpose for which I was born. I don't believe we are made to only exist and live for the moment. God instilled in me a faith that I cannot deny that everything around us is a testament of Him and His desire for us is to be happy. I feel it, I see it, I know it. He is always there even when I have turned away from him.

I have always been concerned about what legacy will I leave behind. What message am I leaving in my path? I hold high expectations for myself and struggle with my imperfections. I have made mistakes that have cost me the vain reputation of the world, but the good has far outweighed those in the eyes of God, at least I hope. God knows I try to be a decent soul and he knows my heart, and that is all that matters.

In April I resolved to take a more deliberate approach in studying the Word of God. It was at the commencement of this undertaking that I felt prompted to begin this blog. I have for the most part been a private person in my interaction with others except for family and very few close friends. So why on earth would I put my self out there in this way???? I am not one who enjoys attracting attention to myself, I am not the greatest orator, and consider myself an introvert in many aspects, but writing has opened a door to a side of me that I have a hard time letting out when I am face to face with others. My desire to help others is more important than my personal comfort. This is me letting people in on a massive scale. What I share may not be taken well by some because there is some sharpness in my writing, but that sharpness is also followed by love and hope. I care about you! Yes, YOU...the person reading this. I may not know you personally but something has guided you here whether it be curiosity or need.

I sometimes feel like Isaiah when the Lord told him, "...go and tell this people -- Hear ye indeed, but they understood not; and see ye indeed, but they perceived not." (2 Nephi 16:10). I somewhat grasp the difficulty of my assignment, and pray in my heart that my words and my message will reach those who need it most. Heavenly Father has promised me that so long as I live as an example and apply faith to what I do, my talents and potential for good will grow far beyond what would otherwise happen. I know this to be true because it is confirmed to me when I write. I know I'm being guided in what I have set out to do here and that is to bring the message of the glory of the Gospel of Christ working miracles in my life, and others can enjoy the same. I am beyond grateful to my Father for using me as an instrument to reach others. I hope this partnership continues and we can bless many souls in helping them find purpose and balance in the physical, mental and spiritual aspects of their lives.

Updated 07.01.2016